Crunch Time Reflections

Well, here we are... crunch time. We're now officially less than three days away from start of surgery.

I'm a bit nervous of course. I don't really consider myself to be a particularly brave man. I'm not panicky though, I'm embracing my destiny and not running away from it.

"Brain surgery" : the words sound grave no matter how I say them. But really, as I've said before, my situation is not as bad as other possible scenarios. We're not going into the deepest recesses of the brain and we're not dealing with anything malignant. If you're going to have a brain tumor, mine is probably the best to have.

Ironically, it's our fifth anniversary today. Maybe we'll do something with Steffi later. On the left you'll find one of my favorite pictures. It was taken in Camp John Hay, Baguio, earlier this year in relatively more "carefree" times.

I like it because Steffi seems so happy, although there's an inside story as to what she is really laughing about. :-) But overall it makes for a good, happy picture.

My goal is to return to this spot within two years and take this picture again.

Last night I asked myself what regrets I have. Oddly, I really feel like I have no regrets. I say "oddly" because I know I've made many mistakes in my life, but somehow there are no nagging, gnawing regrets. Maybe it is an instinctive human mechanism wherein over time, we make ourselves feel better about the mistakes we made. As Ernest Hemingway said: "A man can be destroyed but not defeated."

The poker player Stu Ungar said sometime near the end of his life something to the effect that all the bad things he did in his life, he did to himself. I know that such a statement is wrong, because we cannot hurt ourselves without hurting those who love us, so there is no such thing as doing bad things that hurt only ourselves. Furthermore, any bad act is a sin against God, regardless of who is the object.

Still, I do have some appreciation of the sentiment behind his statement. What he meant was that he never consciously did harm to others, and I would agree that, "that" is worth something. I think of myself the same way. I'd like to think that no one is worse off from having encountered me in his or her life. From the people I know intimately, to the people I encounter briefly on the street, I'd like to think that they encountered kindness and gentleness.

Ironically, I think the two people I treated worst in my life are my mother and my wife.

On second thought, maybe this is not surprising at all. Since they affect my life the most, I guess it is to be expected that it is with them that I will address differences of opinion.

With my mother, the differences in philosophy and thought processes are so vast that I really doubt we can have a totally harmonious relationship in this life. But bottom line, I know she loves me and she knows (I think) that I love her. I know we will have much better relationship in the afterlife.

As for my wife, I think there is much more room to show her my appreciation. But I'll address that after my surgery. :-) One problem at a time.

At the end of the day, I would like to be remembered as a "good and decent man". But hopefully, there will be no need for such remembering just yet... :-)